Back to reality.

Woke up from my nap feeling mellow and sad. Didnt want to come back to sg. Didnt want to face the problems I left back here. I know I'm running away.
I should stop expecting.

There and back again.

Finally flying off in another 7 hours. A much anticipated trip but am dreading the flight there and back. Ohwellz. Cant wait to take in all the sights and sounds of England and Paris!

Already in the last few weeks left of 2013. This year passed too quickly. What would 2014 bring?

Sehnsucht.

Wherever there is you, I will be there too.

If ever the day we decide to hold each other's hand again,
then let it be and let us love again.
If that day never ever comes, it is not our fault.
If it never comes, I'm sure we'll both have someone better
and we will be their better someone.

So grateful to have you in my life <3

You hurt me. But you don't know it.

"Hitting bottom is a good thing, because there is nowhere to go but up."

Catharsis.

Poured my every emotion into an angst-ridden post last night when I was feeling unbelievably down. Opened up my laptop this morning and deleted everything.

I wish I was brave enough to pursue my dreams, but I'm not.
I wish I was brave enough to speak my thoughts.
I don't even know what I'm doing with my life right now.
I wish things would turn out alright.

I just wish I have someone to go through life with.

"I wanna be reprogrammed 
I wanna be robotic 
No more worries 
I wanna press reset."



Such a pointless ramble.

I feel like breaking down.

Once in a lifetime.

Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kinda mysterious.

An absolutely beautiful song that I can't get enough of. Listening to it makes me happy, and the music video perfectly captures the chance we all have at something great in life. 
(But it makes me happy-sad because I want a romance like that. Any romance in my life for a fact. hahaha)

My new happy song.

You're cold and I burn.

So foolish of me to think that we could have something.

Treasure.

So many things I wanna say to you, but I'm afraid. Uncertain of our future, and of what we can be. You mean so much to me, more than you know, but I don't know about you. I hate uncertainty in my life, and this bums me out. Big time.

You’re never going to find someone like that person again. You may find someone better, you may find someone worse, but you’ll definitely find someone different. 
And different may be good.

I'm 21 & I'm in love.

I have no idea how to put into words what I'm feeling right now. meh. I don't wanna burden anyone with my problems, so I'll just keep it to myself :'(

Someday you will be loved.

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night.

Time can take its toll on the best of us.

"I’m not sure if we ever truly recover from broken hearts. Maybe we just have to find someone who is a little broken as well and then maybe we will fit perfectly together."

be alright

because i knew that you would be alright, 
and in my heart you'd stay awhile with me, 
and we danced in the morning light.

Loving again.

"The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and wariness. “My ex never liked broccoli. Why the hell does this one eat so much broccoli?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very jarring. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and in dire need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a bout of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? I think it starts with us having a moment together in some coffee shop, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a cameo at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after awhile.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you will hopefully have better sex. Do not quote me on this.

The second time you fall in love with someone will still be exciting and you might even talk about moving in together or marriage. It will feel more “adult.” You have no idea what adult love actually is but you think it involves making coffee for each other in the morning and maybe even getting a dog. “This is my dog, Xan. I got him with the second person I fell in love with because that’s what you do! The first person I was in love with would’ve killed a dog.”

The second time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The second time can involve some amazing love. "

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/the-second-time-you-fall-in-love-with-someone/

We are infinite.

Best-est friends. Always love meeting up with you guys. So blessed! ^^

<3

Everything has changed.

This summer break has been eventful, to say the least. Thank goodness for awesome friends who have stuck by me through everything. So much love for you all.

Had my first shot of working in events in the month of May for the Social Star Awards. Really great experience! June was just scary, full of ups and downs. I was brought to the extremes and it was overall, a true test for me.
Well, I just did STARS this morning, and got the timetable that I wanted so I'm glad.
Shall wait to see what the rest of the year will bring for me, and I pray for more happy times filled with much love and friendship :>

Built to last.

How did things go horribly wrong?
I lost a friend; our relationship will never be the same again.
I blame myself for everything and this feeling's overwhelming.
:'(

drown me in love.

"I miss the sound of your voice

And I miss the rush of your skin

And I miss the still of the silence

As you breathe out and I breathe in

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips

Faith and desire and the swing of your hips

Just pull me down hard

And drown me in love

.

.

.

It's all wrong, it's all wrong

It's all wrong, it's so right

So come on, get higher

So come on and get higher

'Cause everything works, love

Everything works in your arms."

Cause you and I, we were born to die.

Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don’t know why
Keep making me laugh
Let’s go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

A good read.

"I had sex for the first time when I was twenty-one years old. His name was Sam, he was my first boyfriend, and–as much as you can after two months–I loved him. I remember him being patient as I awkwardly jungle-gymed around his sturdy body–curious, eager, nervous. I remember not knowing what to do and being insanely relieved that he did. I remember laughing. I remember the whole thing going relatively quickly. I remember laying on his chest when we were finished and saying, “we just had sex,” and him saying, “yep,” and smiling. Contrary to what I’d been told growing up in church, I lost nothing that September night in San Diego: no v-card, no dignity.

I wanted to write a letter then to the pastors and peers who told me to wait until I was married to have sex, who told me that sleeping with a man was degrading, who demonized my deeply closeted identity: I wanted to write to let them know that they were wrong–that the erotic has power that should not be confined to the wedding bed. I wanted to write to let them know that the lessons they taught me about sexuality, the ones that clawed through my chest and marred my adolescent soul, took therapy and practice to undo. I wanted to write to let them know that, in spite of their fear-filled rhetoric, I have learned to have healthy, life-giving sex. Two years later, this is that letter.

Too many religious communities, the one in which I grew up included, prize–more than service to and advocacy for the oppressed–pre-marital virginity. To “lose your virginity” before your wedding day is to relegate yourself to the margins of the congregation–shame and self-loathing your near-constant companions. To get pregnant, unmarried, begets corporate mourning. To have gay sex–no matter the relational configuration–is out of the question. Like some sick, Pavlovian ploy, the erotic is almost immediately tied to guilt.

To be fair, while non-religious persons, in my experience, tend to be more sexually liberated, I have heard them speak with equal fervor about the value of virginity, heard them explain that people–more specifically, women–who retain their “v-cards” somehow have more sexual currency. This is the same psychosis, differently clothed.

In our cultural obsession with virginity and our privileging of marriage, we have done nothing but wed sex to guilt and loss–the very things that prevent sex from being good. Enough studies have been done to show that religious affiliation has a relatively negligible effect on people’s sexual behavior. The question, then, isn’t whether or not people are going to have non-marital sex: it’s how they’re going to feel about having it.

It was only after I was freed from my anxiety and took my first sexual plunge (no pun intended) that I realized how wrong my church was about sexuality. When mutually-attracted adults–possessing respect for and trust in one another–have consensual sex, I’ve discovered, no one loses anything. In fact, quite the opposite: we gain a fuller understanding of ourselves and are given access to new corners of our identities.

The devastatingly high rates of spousal abuse and rape will forever stand in protest to the juvenile and destructive assumption that marriage somehow magically creates an appropriate context for sexual discovery and intimacy to take place. It is time that the audacity of married couples claiming to be the sole participants in morally praiseworthy sex be checked. Good sex is not defined by the form of the relationship but by the character of the activity–particularly its ability to foster a deeper sense of self-worth and dignity for all parties involved. Good sex is happening non-maritally all the time.

Language is intrinsically connected to the shaping of our realities. Tying our first sexual experience to language of loss sets us up for unhealthy patterns; losing virginity is long overdue. Instead, I argue that we begin talking, simply, of the first time we had sex, of the power of the erotic to transform. We have, after all, much more to gain than lose."

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/good-sex-and-erotic-power-why-we-need-to-lose-virginity-and-de-center-marriage/

I haven't blogged in almost a month!

FINALS ARE COMING. PERIOD.

Coffee Loaf

So, I was feeling the baking itch 2 days back so I decided to use the TangZhong method to bake a loaf of coffee bread for breakfast!!! YUMZ always loved home-made bread!
It was really fluffy and stayed fresh longer than normal home-made bread!!!

Pandan cupcake with Gula Melaka butterscotch.

I used the recipe for the Magnolia Vanilla Cupcakes and added my own dash of pandan essence instead of vanilla.

Taken from The Little Teochew

Recipe
Adapted from Food Network

Yields 12 cupcakes
- I halved the measurements and converted everything to metric. Please refer to the recipe link for measurements in cups.
- 85g self-raising flour*
* I did not have any, so I made my own using these estimates: 85g plain flour + 1 1/4tsp baking powder + 1/8 tsp salt
- 70g all-purpose plain flour
- 113g unsalted butter, softened
- 170g caster sugar
- 2 large eggs, at room temperature
- 1/2 cup milk
- 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract (or vanilla bean for even more intensity)

1. Preheat oven to 170°C (350°F). (I used 150 because my oven is weird)

2. Line muffin tins with cupcake papers.

3. In a small bowl, combine the flours. Set aside.

4. In a large bowl, on the medium speed of an electric mixer, cream the butter until smooth. Add the sugar gradually and beat until fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add the eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition.

5. Add the dry ingredients in 3 parts, alternating with the milk and vanilla. With each addition, beat until the ingredients are incorporated but do not over beat. Using a rubber spatula, scrape down the batter in the bowl to make sure the ingredients are well blended.

6. Carefully spoon the batter into the cupcake liners, filling them about 3/4* full.
* I found that 2/3 full works much better ... those which I filled to 3/4 full actually spilled to the sides during baking. This batter rises quite a bit, so it's best to err on the side of underfilling.

7. Bake for 20 to 25* minutes, or until a cake tester inserted into the center of the cupcake comes out clean.

*Reduce temperature at the end if needed

8. Cool the cupcakes in tins for 15 minutes. Remove from the tins and cool completely on a wire rack before icing.


Instead of buttercream, I made Gula Melaka butterscotch, which when refrigerated, can be spread like jam :)
I think I used 100g of butter to half a block of gula melaka, and then melted it over a water bath ^^

sooooooo.... I'm like crazy early for lecture, and hence sitting all alone in the LT. You can totally hear a pin drop lol. oh, and I have this fear that I'm sitting in the wrong lecture theatre! Hope I'm in the right one!
My bf was supposed to accompany me to school today to sit in for lectures, but he had to back out at the last minute. Can't blame him, it'll be too boring haha. <3
Oh well, shall do some readings before lecture starts!
Can't wait for CNY to arrive in another few more days. Need some extra cash! Too many 21st birthdays this year...will go broke!

The daily grind of school life is finally settling in but I believe the CNY holidays are gonna mess it up again. le sigh. haha.
Just baked some honeyjoys and kueh lapis over the weekend. The kueh lapis was exhausting!!! 2 cakes took me about 4-5 hours? :( but it was sinfully worth it hehe.

S.E.A Aquarium

On one of the Fridays before the school semester started, my boy and I headed to the newly opened South East Asian Aquarium at Resorts World Sentosa. I had so much fun there! Being a big fan of aquariums, we did spend a while in there taking photos and admiring the marine life :)

Shipwreck Cove

THE TUNNELLLL

Weird blue-ish lighting haha

They had this see-through platform with some nurse sharks + stingrays

Spot the 2 weird fishes in pink and yellow!

SEAHORSE :)

Spastic us :X

The touch pool! I touched the chocolate chip starfish hehe

The entire fish tank was filled with these little buggers haha. SHO KEWT

HUNGREH BOYYY

Both of us literally camped at every exhibit, waiting for the crowd to clear. haha. Somehow, for some weird reason, the crowd comes and goes in waves. So, we had those brief periods of just the two of us. YAY. It was a friday afternoon after NYE, and it wasn't so crowded cos the majority of the school kids were back at school ^^

Fishes swimming in schools, and in a circular motion. I don't want to be a fish... mundane life.

I ATE THIS CRAB'S LEG BEFORE HEHE

NAUTILUS! If I remember correctly, it resembles the Pokemon called Omanyte. haha. Correct me if i'm wrong!

BOUNCY JELLIES

This is actually an upside-down jellyfish 

SEA NETTLE! SO PRETTY!

Don't they look as if they are flying?

Manta Ray

Those windows you see behind are the hotel rooms i believe

Happy Tummy!

Scary moray eels

HAMMERHEAD! Couldn't get a close up. I think the hammerheads' territories were nearer to the surface

At the souvenir shop area

Met Jet for dinner after that at vivo. Had Carl's Junior hehe

Superman

All in all, I had fun! Paid 20 bucks for student admission and it was pretty worth it. Can totally not do anything but relax in the aquarium. The large panel area at seating areas on the floor too! Though I have seen aquariums with more variety and larger creatures, I believe in years to come, more marine life will be added in to liven up the place. Will be looking forward to that!