She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine.

I let my walls down only to build it up again.

Late night thoughts

Love wasn't supposed to be so difficult.

ordinary.

//

Feeling utterly inferior right now.

心跳.

I try my best to forget and to be happy.

Happy birthday to me.

Earworm

Life is moving, can't you see
There's no future left for you and me
I was holding and I was searching endlessly
But baby, now there's nothing left that I can do so
So don't be blue
There is another future waiting there for you
I saw it different, I must admit
I caught a glimpse, I'm going after it
They say people never change, but that's bullshit, they do
Yes I'm changing, can't stop it now
And even if I wanted I wouldn't know how
Another version of myself I think I found, at last.

Now you're a stranger,
Now it feels better, it feels better and better
Till you feel nothing at all.

new beginnings

It's the last night in essex and I'm gonna miss this place a lot. Just done with packing 'cept for some last minute items which I will pack in tomorrow. These five months were surreal and it feels like I just flew over in Jan. Well, I'm glad I had some me-time during these few months and have the opportunity to see the world and get over my past troubles. It hasn't been wholly successful but I know I've grown stronger and more independent. I'm kinda afraid to go home because it just means it's back to reality :/ But it has been an epic adventure and I still have a month to go till home so imma treasure the last moments of exchange :)

Got a very bad case of homesickness today. I wanna go back to singapore to my loved ones so badly. Might be just a phase because the guys are headed home so it probably triggered something in me. Plus, I was being the usual fucked up person to someone that I care a lot about. I just feel like there's no one there for me now, and I feel so alone typing this in my room. Spent the day curled up in bed with my laptop on the verge of crying and sporadically breaking out into pathetic sobs. I'm sucha loser. Sigh. A cuddle would do wonders right now. 

Will everything be okay? :'(

My heart hurts. So much.

Haven't felt like this in a long while.

I have no idea what I'm feeling right now. A mix of everything but mostly sadness.
But maybe deep down, I'm the one worth leaving. I'm not worthy nor good enough.

"Always fall asleep when you’re waking
I count the hours on my hands
Doing the math to the time zone you’re at
Is an unseen part of the plan
But if you’ll be my bluebird returning
Then I’ll be your evergreen."

I don't seem to do anything right to you. I just want to fucking break down and curl up and cry.

I haven't blogged in so longgggg

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I my dear

You're the train that crashed my heart.
You're the glitter in the dark.

Back from Sweden, and trying to get back into the school groove. 3 essays due in 3 weeks and then it's the Easter break yay. More travelling but means more money :/
I'm glad we managed to talk again without getting angry/sad/spiteful, so I guess it's a good start.
Okay, back to essay planning :(

p.s. Blonde Swedish men, you have my heart.

Apt

I can love you desperately, though your love ain't guaranteed

I hate those quiet, lonely nights here. My mind starts wandering and all those emotions that I've suppressed starts rushing back. I wonder about the things that might have been and past memories that we shared. The smallest things are the greatest triggers. Told myself countless times to forget and just stop hurting myself. Some days are good, but some days are so bad I can't sleep. Why is it so hard to forget? sigh. Wanna grab a tub of ice cream with brownies and just eat and wallow in misery like the loser that I am.

i need to stop this.
suck it up, mel.

Sometime in the future maybe we can get together, maybe share a drink and talk awhile

And reminisce about the days when we were still together

Maybe somewhere further down the line

And I will meet you there

Sometime in the future we can share our stories

When we won't care about all of our mistakes, our failures, and our glories

But until that day comes along, I'll keep on moving on.

- Kodaline

Silence.

Maybe I'm finally trying to let you go. The nights are still the hardest part though :/

"To forget, does not imply a void or a vacuum. It is the 'presence of an absence', the representation of what was once there and no longer is, the representation of something that has been erased, silenced or denied."

Something interesting from my soci reading

You have no idea how much you hurt me.

"The only reason I won't let go of what's making me sad is because it was the only thing that actually made me happy."

I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the night
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love, cause

I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me.

说好的幸福呢?

London calling

Came back from London late last night and I'm already missing that beautiful city. I wish you were here to experience it with me though :(
Soooo... I did quite a bit of shopping and spotted the pair of Nike Air Max Thea I've been eyeing for quite awhile. Since I exceeded my budget for this month, think I will probably get it next month hehe. Really love the sneaker culture here. Everywhere I turn, someone is wearing a Nike haha. Brought the group around the 2/3 days we were there. Saturday was spent mostly shopping and Sunday morning was spent wandering in Camden Lock. I think the highlight of the trip would probably be the extremely long walk in 0 degree weather on Sunday afternoon along the River Thames from Westminster to Tower Hill, and then on to London Liverpool Street, passing by major landmarks like Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Parliament Houses, London Eye, Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, Tate Modern, St Paul's Cathedral, London Bridge, Borough Market, Tower Bridge, and Tower of London. It was a pretty long walk even though it looked short on the map. & I think I was the only one in the group making Harry Potter references though :/ The guys went back on Sunday night as they had classes on Monday. Hence, Monday was another shopping bout at Oxford Street with the girls (yay), and the evening was spent at Chinatown (where I attempted to find the laopobing store but failed), and around Leicester Square. Caught the film premiere of Mortdecai but didn't have time to wait for Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow as Estee and I had to catch a train back to Colchester :(

For now, it's back to school and I already have an essay and presentation due in the next 2 weeks darn! Still in the holidaying mood though :( Shall start editing photos too!

Mental note to self: watch Les Mis the next time I'm in London!

Up early on a saturday morning because i think the time difference still affects me a bit. I get really sleepy in the afternoon! Last night's social with the rest of the international students was pretty cool and i got to meet people from all around the world! I'm actually surprised that people do know whr singapore is haha. So the past 2 days have mostly been settling administration and getting our modules. Only settled 3 so far and I have to continue on Monday. But the timetable is looking pretty good with only classes on tues wed and thurs hehe.

The winds are crazy over this weekend and warnings have been issued. Although the temperature is pretty high for this time of the year, the winds are absolutely killing. I think i should add a third layer when i head out laterz. I can hear the wind howling every night and it gets kinda creepy haha

I guess I'm settling down pretty well (though i hate the toilets in my flat) but there isn't a day that i don't think of home and miss you and wish that at least you were here with me. And it sucks real bad that i cannot see my closest friends till 6 months later #needy haha.

Will you still be here when I come home? :'(

1 more night.
I'm not ready :'(

Just for laughs

Virgo (August 23 — September 22) 
Relax, relate, retreat: Your yoga mat, headphones, and Le Creuset French oven could become your BFFs for the first eight months of 2015. Both Jupiter and Saturn are to blame for this celestial sabbatical. Saturn has parked in your domestic fourth house for three years, turning you into a bit of a homebody. You could start saving money to buy an apartment, or move to be closer to your family — even co-sign a lease with a romantic partner. But, don’t put your luggage in storage yet. With Jupiter cruising through your dreamy, un-grounded 12th house until August 11, you’re feeling uncharacteristically nomadic. If there were ever a year to backpack through Europe, or take six months to teach yoga in Ubud, this would be it. Surrender the know-it-all part of your persona. You’ll do major healing this year — on your mind, body, and soul — with the help of some wise guides. You might even release a major grudge — ah, the freedom of forgiveness. But really, Virgo, your New Year doesn’t start until August 11. On that day, lucky, larger-than-life Jupiter bursts into Virgo until September 2016. Your focus is back, and you’re so ready to tackle a fresh chapter of life. Adding to this momentum is a solar eclipse in Virgo on September 13; it will make you an unstoppable force of nature for the six months to follow.

“Sometimes it feels like there are so many things in this world we can't control. Earthquakes, floods, reality shows. But it's important to remember the things that we can. Like forgiveness, second chances, fresh starts. Because the one thing that turns the world from the longing place to a beautiful place is love. Love and any of its forms. Love gives us hope. Hope for the New Year."