One for the Road.

It has been a rollercoaster of a year; a rollercoaster of emotions.

I loved and lost. Then loved again and lost again. I'm still hurting over this heartbreak and it will be tumultuous trying to get over 8 years of you. I still dont know how you do it but I shall try. There will be good days and bad days. For now, bad days outweigh the good but I hope 2015 would bring better ones. Sometimes i want to switch off my emotions so badly because I feel like everything is so bleak and gloomy. There isn't a day that I don't miss you and wish that we can start over on a blank slate (which is nearly impossible). Heartbreak has brought me to the lowest of lows and now the only way now is up.  So far, I've learnt from my mistakes and am still trying to come to terms with some regrets that I still have. If i could change things in the past, I would (be a better girlfriend for e.g.). I feel so shallow and lame for letting my love life define me and determine my year & outlook on life but I guess it really did affect me tremendously. I trust that my heart will find its way if it's meant to be sigh. But most importantly, I guess in the end I know I should want you to be happy. With or without me.

2014 has taught me a lot; to be more independent, to treasure friends and family and to never take things/moments/people for granted. Life is fickle and every little moment has to be treasured.
And I'm really grateful for the wonderful friends who have been by my side even though I know i can be annoying sometimes lol. And to those going on exchange, have fun, stay safe and make new memories. I'm gonna miss yall so much :') May our friendships stay gold ♡♡♡

Sooooo my reflection aside...
Happy New Year everyone!
May all my friends and family find more happiness, love, good health, laughter, and adventure in the coming year.

And I hope I do too...

imy x.

Today my relatives asked me about you/us. It made me really sad to admit out loud that we are no longer together and that I don't know what's going in your life. Probably the only things I found 'amusing' were the awkward silences that ensued and the countless "don't worry, you'll find someone else" coupled with sympathetic looks -.-

& I really don't know who I can talk to anymore. Just feeling so distant from everyone else because i dont wanna unload all my shit onto anyone.
Or maaaayyybeeeee I'm just overthinking.

Xmas @ Wilma's!

I miss you so fucking much it hurts. I'm so weak right now for longing after you and crying like a baby. I don't wanna admit it sometimes but i want to stay here in sg and not fly away so i can be with you again. Is that being weak? Longing and loving someone who obviously doesnt feel the same anymore. Our love was true and I dont know if I can feel that way anymore and it scares me so much. I'm so sorry for the things I've done to hurt you (not like my apology matters like you said)

Always x.

O Holy Night

Merry Christmas!

My favourite holiday of the year is here! It's been a rough year but I'm thankful for all I have right now. Would have loved to spend Christmas with you though.
Christmas carols/hymns on endless repeat because christmas hence legit haha.

It was good seeing you today. I missed you.

Unspoken words and fleeting touches.

Pretty lights make me happy.

Note to self: never ever try to kill myself over a guy.

I need to be happier and less emo on my blog.

lame but wdv

1. You’ll tell yourself you’re okay but you’re not.

2. You will feel emotionally numb and will do something — anything — that will give you feeling.

3. The person who was once the center of your life suddenly becomes a total stranger, and it’s the hardest pill to swallow.

4. One day you discover they’ve deleted you on Facebook but you still have all the same friends and relatives in common. Nothing could be more final or make you more sad.

5. You will always think about them, especially if you have been together for a long time. Foods and smells remind you of them. TV shows you watch remind you of them because they are shows you used to watch together.

6. You’ll miss watching them do completely regular, non sexual things like drying off after a shower or taking a picture of them while they’re still sleeping and texting it to them later in the day.

7. You’ll miss the silly way you used to cook in your underwear. You’ll miss hearing them say, “I love you.”

8. You’ve replayed every single mistake you made in the relationship in your mind. You really were an asshole.

9. Deep down you’ll wish you two could start over with a clean slate. Four months later, eight months later, one year later you still love them but know they’ve moved on.

10. Your friends tell you the best thing during a break up, even if you’re the one who got ditched, is to let them go. “If you really love someone you should learn to let them go,” you’ll be told. It will seem like cruel and unusual punishment.

11. You will snoop on their Instagram and be sad by how happy they look without you — happy for them, sad for you.

12. You’ll sleep with the stuffed animal they gave you when you first started dating as you wonder if you will ever be able to love like that again, if anyone will love you the way they did.

13. A friend will tell you they have been single for four years since their last relationship, and the thought of being single for four years terrifies you.

14. People will ask you what happened with so-in-so and your stomach will drop.

15. You will wake up from “we got back together” dreams that felt so real.

16. You’ll go on dates with other people, always comparing them to your ex. This one’s too nice, this one talks funny, that one isn’t smart or creative enough, she’s kind of weird, he’s too much of a bro. No one else will compare.

17. You will never fuck up another relationship like this ever again.

18. You will learn to be okay.

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you're not where you belong;
inside my arms.

How do I start moving on? :'(

So many hours spent still thinking of you even though we haven't talked and met up for more than 2 months. Is that even possible? sigh. 

I don't think anyone can ever replace you x.

Exams are overrrr!

Why does it seem so easy for you? That you're not even hurting?
Im afraid of the weeks ahead where there isn't school to occupy me.

Heal.

take my mind
and take my pain
like an empty bottle takes the rain
and heal, heal, hell, heal.

& tell me some things last...

Throwback to happier times.
I miss you so much.

xo.

The heart wants what it wants.

"It’s the price we pay when we love someone so much. We hold on tightly to the possibility that things may work out eventually. As stupid as we may be for doing so, we still believe it will be worth it. We can try all we want to let go. We can keep fighting. Either way, we’ll never win. And I guess it really isn’t about winning."

I wonder how long it'll take for you to get over me and find someone new. I dread that day and i don't know if i can cope. I know I shouldnt be selfish but i have always regarded you as mine. This jealousy cripples me and it hurts so much. How long more till it stops hurting? Long days and lonely nights in the months ahead...

Every time I see sth funny/interesting or if I just want to tell you about my day, I can't. :c
I'm missing my partner in crime.

No mood to blog, or do anything. Meh.

Exhausted, burnt out, and wishing I could come home to you. You always knew how to cheer me up.
Just cant wait for all the projects to be over.

I miss you so much.

The nights are the worst. My mind just goes wild and sends me on a downward spiral. And every morning when i get up, i wish i didnt have to. It hurts so much more than the first time you left. I just want everything to be okay. How can i stop talking to the person who's always been in my life for the past 8 years. Sigh. I want you to care again. & I guess what they said about treasuring what you had only when you lose it is true.

Losing you

I lose you every time I think of kissing you, holding you or wanting you. 
I go to bed at night and lose you, when I wish I could tell you about my day. 
And in the morning, when I wake and reach for the empty space across the sheets, 
I begin to lose you all over again.

- Lang Leav

My fingers itch to text or call you, to hear your voice. But I can't because you want nothing to do with me. It hurts so much because you don't care anymore. Never thought this day would happen

I was slowly opening my heart to you again. But now the roles are reversed and this time's my turn to get crushed.

Reading my old blog, and it seems like another person typed all that. Okay, it was kinda childish but I was happy. Like legit happy. I miss what we used to have.

Today was a bad day.

At the beginning

This song brings back so much memories from my secondary school days. The first song that I've performed apart from the main choir. I think it was for one of those end of year choir concerts haha

Them feels.

I just cannot comprehend how a relationship with so much love can turn to one of hate so easily. I just can't.

Heat shimmer
Hips quiver
Open smother
Lipped lover

only words bleed.

How many times must we lose each other?

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room is really apt right now :'(

I dont know what to do. Conflicted and nobody would actually understand. I wish something/someone would point me in the right direction by telling me what to do.
You are definitely a factor in my decision and I wish with all my heart that you would be happy for me. 

I love you.

x.

Happy birthday to a very special person in my life. I haven't seen you in a month and we are far from being in a good place, but I hope things will get better soon.
& I'm very sorry.

I dont even know why I still cry over you.

22.

Thank you all so much for celebrating my birthday with me! & special thanks to charm for that really yummy cake :)

Really glad I bumped into 2 of my closest friends in town as well, and with my purchases. so yay a good day.

Everything will be alright if we keep dancing like we're 22 ~~~

How will I know

Sucks to see the number on the weighing scale increasing every week. :(

To go on exchange or not to go?

Home is wherever I'm with you.

Earworm

Embedding codes like nobody's business after the library tutorial session HAHA #lame

Bad news like a sucker punch

140806

8th year.

Nowadays I just feel so pent-up and detached from people, or life in general. I just bottle up every single thought and/or emotion. It's tough. So many things I wanna say to different people and I don't have the guts to. I used to be able to confide in a special few, but now I don't. Not at all. I just shut up and keep everything to myself because things change and people change, and I know I have to deal. The only thing now is I don't know how long I can handle this.

"I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore."

040814

Soooooo... my brother has enlisted and my family took a 'day trip' to Tekong lol. It was so boooring; spent most of the time there waiting around. 

Tekong's beach looks pretty good

After the whole enlistment affair, we headed to Bedok area to jalan jalan and had dinner at the famous Bedok 85 hawker centre. Had satay bee hoon, hokkien mee, carrot cake and bbq wings #fatz

To add on to all that unhealthy food, we stopped by iScream for some dessert after. Wasn't that fantastic though :/

Kueh lapis

Spent the morning baking this sinful cake just because I felt like it.

"Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart."

The Sushi Bar

Celebrated my cousin's belated 21st by treating 2 of them to dinner at the Sushi Bar. Forgot to withdraw cash before the meal so I had to run down to the ATM lol. We were early for dinner so there was no queue and our food came pretty fast so yayyy.

Premium Chirashi Don

Normal Chirashi

Steak

Scallop Mentaiyaki

Salmon Aburi

It was a good dinner, I swear I think I can eat Chirashi all day, err' day! but now I'm quite broke lol. Having too much good food this holiday. Time to start saving (more) and eating less (i'm piling on the kilos le sigh)!

Sound of Music

Finally caught the Sound of Music as a belated birthday present for Dionne. It was enjoyable but it didn't wow me. Guess the theatre production just couldn't fully capture the movie and I felt that no one could replace Maria except Julie Andrews and her amazing 4 octave vocal range. This isn't to say that the lead was bad, but just not as great lol. 

They swapped and added a few songs to the musical and was overall, a pleasant performance.

I think, at our cores, no matter how jaded and cynical and bitter and burned we might claim to be — we’re optimists. We like to believe in love and happily ever after, and we like to believe that something is out there waiting for us. And so that is why we hold onto the could have beens, and all of the futures we painted in our heads but were never brave enough to admit.

Just pre-ordered a book and I can't wait for it to arrive in September. A birthday gift to myself yay

& I wish this summer with you would never end ;) ♡

Thank you for loving me.

Hurting right now.

I hope you're happy.

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning, a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes coals; deep-burning and unquenchable.”

Nana Thai food. Sleazy Golden Mile Complex. Countless detours. Haji Lane. Ma Maison. Overpriced fruit tarts. Escargots 

Always a good time with these girls ♡

Don't waste sunsets with people who will be gone by sunrise ~

I'm a mess today sigh

Yeah you wanna find love then you know where the city is.

Leave Your Lover

You'll never know the endless nights, the rhyming of the rain
Or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name.


I think he's pretty amazing.

meh.

"You can’t cling to the past, because no matter how tightly you hold on, it’s already gone.”

The Red Tour SG

Extremely lucky and glad I bought the tickets. Was so excited the day of the concert that I walked around with a huge smile on my face - nothing was gonna get me down that night. Honestly, her voice isn't too bad live and I loved all of her costume changes. Only regret was that I didn't have better pictures to document the night (they were pretty strict about the cameras :/) All in all, money well spent!

#1 swiftie lol. Don't judge, we posed for this to get some freebie.

My pretty decent view

Got free cornettos after we uploaded this picture on instagram

Thanks for the company :)

Belated 23rd aloy!

Thank you so much for everything! And I've already said what I wanted to say to you haha so I just hope you loved your present and enjoyed the meal we prepared for you today!
Being 23 sounds so old anw :X

#bffs

The 14th will always hold a special place in my heart ♡

Thanks for the lovely memories guys <3

Time for me to take a backseat and stay out of the picture no matter how badly it hurts

CDC

Ban Naam Kem has been pretty good so far. The simple village lifestyle - hunter-gatherer ish haha. and surprisingly the accommodation is clean and comfortable, kinda like home but without the aircon. All 9 of us packed into a dorm room with bunkbeds - cozy. Lol. Loads of mozzies and flies here but I havent seen anything I couldn't fend off. The weather here has been sweltering hot & humid that I sweat buckets every time I move.

Yesterday we had no camp for the kids so we kinda r&r-ed and waited for gen, belle, yj and zh to arrive. Went to the village market and i bought 2 pj pants. Headed to Bangluk (?) beach after to chill. Kinda expected the waters to be blue-r though :/ Uncle Jason toured us around the village,  and brought us around the tsunami memorial sites.
And omg I had the nicest kampong durians in the evening! A helper offered us about 10 and I think we finished close to 5 or 6 durians. Sadly only aloy and I appreciated the durians, meaning that I ate a lot hehe. So sinful but so shioook.

The toughest thing here is the language barrier. It was difficult to teach the kids english in class as I couldnt even get my instructions across. Used weak attempts at sign language and weird actions to help bring my message across but idk if it worked haha. But I'm glad that even when with a language barrier, a simple wave or a smile or 'hello' is appreciated even more. I feel that smiles here are filled with a deeper meaning compared to home. Since all cultures understand the meaning of a smile, it becomes like a bridge between cultures; a universal language of sorts.

And yes I'm typing this at 7ish 8am in the morning because I wake up super early every day for some weird reason. Probably the chirping birds are my morning alarm lol

Lovely evening with my favourite girls :)

Taylor Swift here I come

Sports hub emailed me today saying that they had 4 tickets to offer me for the Red Tour. hohoho my lucky day! Was so happy when I saw the email because I thought I had no chance to go for her concert after that screwed up ticketing system saga. "THIS MUST BE A SIGN" and "I SHOULD SAVE MONEY" kept going through my head and I took 5 freaking hours to decide if I should get the tickets lol. fickle me.
Sooooo, now I'm broke and I need to save as much money as I can.
But yay, I have 2 consecutive concerts to attend in June whee :)

On a side note, I earned 28bucks today at Cookyn inc LOL

Thailand

After hearing all the nonsense about the military coup and all, I really really dont wanna go to thailand (esp bangkok) anymore. There, I said it. It's just too much hassle and worry for my parents :(

But I dont wanna waste the money lol.

Audi Fashion Festival 2014

Been working at the festival for the past five days and managed to catch all the shows!  It was a really good experience of a lifetime. 5 days of ushering, goodie bag packing madness, and countless celebrities (international and local!). Thank goodness for Dionne and Carissa for the company during the long hours! Forged many new friendships (though I doubt I'll ever see them again) and of course, many new memories as well :)

I think the highlight of the entire festival was the Oscar de la Renta Fall 2014 collection which I was anticipating, and it certainly lived up to my expectations. And yes, I managed to get a good spot to video down the whole show so YAY haha.  Other shows I enjoyed really much were Thomas Tait, Ashley Isham, Prabal Gurung, Harper's Bazaar, Exhibit, Farah Khan and probably Desigual.

The free-flow Haagen Daz, Stella Artois and Belvedere, and many many many other loots which I jew-ed definitely made these 5 days so much better hehehe

We all look pretty tired here but yay TEAM DIONNE! Love you girls <3

Sometimes I wonder if you think of me, and in the same way that I do of you.

Cancer - such a scary word.
I hope everything will be okay. Praying for you every single day <3

The crazy, sweltering heat is making me miss winter in uk/paris so badly. It's too hot for me to function now lol. I miss the numb fingertips and the struggle to take pictures up in the North. I miss how a warm cuppa can make my day. I miss the blustery winds that threaten to blow me off my feet. I miss the Underground, and yes, even the dirty smelly Metro haha.
I would give anything to travel right now. Most likely back to NZ just because it's autumn/winter down there and I love the land of kiwis so so much :)
So many places I wanna go! Really hope my plans in dec work out ^^

Atlas

Finals are over and the summer awaits. But why do I feel like the weight of the world is still on me?

You tell me to fix myself.
You said I don't understand, that i don't get it.
You tell me I'm useless.
You tell me I know nothing.
You think I'm a joke.

Then why are you still here?

Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.

"It’s all messy: 

The hair. 

The bed. 

The words. 

The heart. 

Life…"

- William Leal

One

Just promise me you’ll always be

A friend

Cause you are the only one.


One - Ed Sheeran

Love me like I'm not made of stone

Even though it hurts, even though it scars
Love me when it storms, love me when I fall
Every time it breaks, every time it's torn
Love me like I'm not made of stone

Something to smile about

Finals are almost over! The bulk of it at least. Final paper's nxt thursday and I have plenty of time to study for it. Glad I have the summer to look forward to.

Still I call it magic, when I'm next to you.

Shiver

And it's you I see, but you don't see me.
And it's you I hear, so loud and so clear
I sing it loud and clear.
And I'll always be waiting for you.

So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention,
And you know how much I need you,
But you never even see me.


/ You try to fix your relationship. You try to fix them. You try to fix yourself. You try, and you try, and you try, and you try. But sometimes, love is not enough. You don’t understand. You don’t know what to do. How can you fix something on your own? 


I need some scotch.

Fucked things up again. As always.

Nights like this I miss you most.

Going to bed earlier tonight because my brain is fried. I shall wake up by 8 tmrw and get started on work (I hope haha). Can't wait for summer holidays though I know things are gonna change. One academic year has passed too quickly and I kinda wish time would turn back so i can relive the special moments. Wellll, no regrets! Everything that has happened, happened for a reason and made me who I am today.

On a side note, i haven't been blogging long-ass posts because I get distracted too easily and I cannot sit down to type everything down. Meh. Hence all the little snippets of my life/emotions/randomness.

Closing a chapter of my life.

My heart gets a 'sour' and uncomfortable sorta feeling when I picture you and her doing the same things we used to do together :'(

Long train/bus rides are my thing (when I'm not in a rush i.e.). The stillness and the lack of needing to communicate with anyone actually makes me rather content. I'm weird because I like being alone but at the same time, I don't wanna feel lonely. Guess it depends on my mood haha.

fallingforyou.

I thought it stopped hurting, but it still does.

And on this night and in this light
I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you
Maybe you'll change your mind.

x.

You were the unexpected one.

You came as fast as you left.

I really miss you. So much. :'(

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”
 - The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Most of the time, busying myself in the kitchen takes away the blues. Or napping heh! But today, nothing is helping. I haven't been the best person I can be lately and I have no idea why (or maybe I do, but I just don't wanna admit it) :/
Welllll, I did some reflection over the week and after talking things out with my bff, I've decided to be a nicer, kinder, better, & more loving person overall, and do my best to not take things for granted.

I must remind myself that it's the small things in life that matter x.

"Depression isn’t chicken pox. You don’t beat it once and it’s gone forever. It’s something you live with. And the scariest part is, after a while, you become numb to it. It becomes normal for you and, what you really fear the most, isn’t the suffering inside of you, it’s the stigma inside of others. It’s the shame, it’s the embarrassment, it’s the disapproving look on a friend’s face, it’s the whispers in the hallway that you’re weak. It’s the comments that you’re crazy. That’s what keeps you from getting help. That’s what makes you hold it in and hide it… We live in a world where, if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast but, if you tell them you’re depressed, everyone runs the other way… We are so accepting of any body part breaking down, except our brains, and that’s ignorance.”

Achievement of the day

I've caught em all 😂